It’s been a while since I last made a post so a bit of an update will put things into perspective. I think what I have witnessed within myself and seen in others in the last few weeks has made me appreciate the past experiences I have enjoyed.
Let me start with this…
At the completion of the Nationals road race even after consuming some fluid and food I hoped on the scales an was shocked to see 77.6kg, which I figured indicated I must have finished the race below 77kg. Yes this would have been dehydrated and pretty well empty. To contrast to 12 months ago when at Christmas time I weighed 93kg. So as you could imaging I was equally shocked after returning from our long awaited family holiday in Tassie to discover I weighed, 88.6kg. Even this morning after 2hrs on the bike with the North Road ride I stepped on the scales and saw 86.5kg. So a positive I have taken away from the cycling preparation is that I was able to get that low, but I worry about how realistic it is when I have fluctuated that much.
The period since Nationals I have taken to unwind. And it has taken the full three weeks to do so. The positive from Nationals was being able to perform to a pretty high level, nothing exceptional though just solid I would say. The positive is I feel I have heaps to learn and a great deal of improvement I can make. The negatives are I feel I waste the opportunity to perform at a level which may have made the pathway forward clearer. In fact I kick myself that it appears as if I will have to wait until next year to race a time trial at the same level. That’s not to say I am not keen to it is just proving difficult to see where and when these opportunities might arise. The simple thing is with out being on a team most races with time trials at the same level or higher just aren’t open like the Nationals for someone in my situation.
Over the last three months I neglected my businesses and probably made life at home a challenge also. Who am I kidding I know my family have been great in accepting some of the frustration, fatigue and obsessiveness that comes with this level of preparation. The positive is they still love me. The negative is it’s not really fair on them for me to drag them through it unless things change. Something has to give and to truly prepare for any major event required loads of energy, time, focus and quiet simply money. I gave the cycling prep all I had for two months. To be fair to the preferred outcomes and goals it would require more like a full 10 months to get the best our of myself after coming back from my back surgery. The positive is I have made it this far and to be going pretty well with three months focused on the TT I am happy. The negative though is I can’t see my way clear as to how to keep this up and go even deeper if family and work are going to suffer. The positive is I am prepared to rethink the way I am doing this and what the pathway might be.
We had our family holiday in Tassie and it was amazing. I was frustrated it took me 4 days to switch off from everything and to just relax. When we arrived back we took off to the farm for the weekend and finally I can say I was in holiday mode. I was relaxed and loving being on the beach with Mel and the kids. Swimming, playing in the waves and enjoying watch my kids grow in confidence in the surf. The positive is everything takes time and to feel like I did finally after three weeks was great and welcomed. Compared this to seeing my kids and how much more confident they were in the surf from Tassie and also during Christmas time was amazing. Take that back to last summer and I was blown away at the difference. Everything takes time. The negative with all this is that I have been impatient with trying to force things and get things going with cycling. It comes in part from the sense of time slipping away for me to take on challenges like this. At 35 I am aware that things are changing. I feel motivated more than every and I think it comes from realising that some time in the future I won’t be able to pursue sport at this level. I want to make every opportunity count and that is why I am pissed off about where everything is currently at. This feeling of being in limbo frustrates the heck of me. The positive though is it has been the softening of focus and pursuing a goal that finally allowed me to enjoy the break.
With out knowing it I find myself down a path which really has forced me to consider the what, why and how of this cycling project and the relationship to family, work and my personal motivation and energy.
Dare I say it, it is up in the air. Cutting through and finding clarity about where to next with everything is critical. Work and training in what forms has come right back to basics. The inner dialogue I have experienced of late tells me I can spin it and flip it any number of ways. There have been many positives and negative about the last three or more months. I love the idea of getting things set and ensuring commitment is inside and out for what every the journey will involve. One things for sure I don’t wish to waste time and energy. Chasing shadows in a vain hope that some how I might hit a target which could open a door is not ideal. Being unclear, vague, confused and disillusioned is not a way I wish to proceed. Being at the mercy of someones subjective judgment is not for me.
In the coming weeks decisions will need to be made about how to get the best of what’s possible. Work has started to ramp up again and the joy I have for my family and kids starting school and kinder is the marvelous things about being a parent. One thing is for sure I will aim to create more positive in the next 12 months and feel the fine tuning has begun.