What I refer to here is fear. The idea of being slave to my fears has been something I have reflected on lately. Well the thing is I have heard the statement made before and recently I have wondered about how much of a slave I may be. Over the last two months it has been great to get back into some riding and more activity. What has been amazing is the drive I have felt to push my self. Normally this would be regarded as a positive. Although on this occasion it may be a negative.
Why? How? Can that be?
The wonder I have surrounds the fact that for many years I have been compelled to achieve and reach for a high standard of performance. Now though I sense it is different. Maybe not complete different, but certainly different enough. So now I wonder if it involves the fear of being unfit, unhealthy, uncertain, and the list goes on. Under the circumstances the fine line between being positively motivated and or being driven by negatives. I guess my thinking has been the the negatives or fears that I know have driven me at times has made me feel a defensive and on the back foot. So currently as I get myself from a dysfunctional state of being laid up in bed and recovering from surgery I am keen to get back to normal. What does it mean to be normal? This may require some extra time, for now I have a sense from the past of my equilibrium of being in balance with mind and body. This is what I know should strive for, but the reality is that I sense a repulsion in me to settle, to take my injury and use it as an excuse. I am scared to be caught in limbo, with out purpose or at least a challenge to focus my energy. This has to do with an over active mind and some need to be physically challenges I guess, but why? Rather than wait for time to pass by and wait to see if, the what if’s transpire. I feel it is best even when drive by some fears that I get my self into gear. Get on the front foot and take up life’s challenge. To be….what? That is the question. To be better than before is as simple a motivator and one that all of us need to explore.